The “Let’s Catch You” Interview

I had a great learning experience last month I kept on meaning to write about. I was on the other side of the table as the “interviewee”. Not totally foreign territory, especially since I do primarily contract work in change management, system overhaul, risk assessment, and policy development, for anywhere between 2weeks-2years for a single company, nevermind the policy writing and training seminars I hold on the side. However, a lot of my work has me by recommendation so the interview process is very lax and usually involves a CAO/CSO, Director, and possibly a senior management personnel or the former HR (yes, the one who either quit or was let go), and myself having lunch or a brief meeting on what my proposal for the company is, and how we can tailor it specifically for their needs. This interview however was just stellar.

I met with the CAO, and the HR Director. Originally it appeared to be laid back, however the questions were so broad and general, and yet they sought such specific details, it kind of threw me for a loop-but in a good way. The questions were designed to see if you were telling the truth. Bravo! Questions such as, What do you think your day would look like? (as opposed to, list some of your typical tasks) How do you think managing employees would be best here? (as opposed to, what’s you’re management style) What kind of retention programs would you like to implement? (as opposed to, how do you earn the trust and build relationships to keep employees) What do you think it would be like to coach our team of Executives and Floor Manufacturers? (as opposed to, how do you build relationships with people), etc…. And then mid interview they expressed that they would give me an opportunity to ask questions now, but not at the end. Huh. Interesting….. I realized they give no room for error. How great is that! It allows basic human error, as people are supposed to have nervous reactions to stressors, however it makes it much harder to bluff your way through basic tasks and responsibilities that you should already know about. I must say, this is my new favorite interview technique! Good on them!

As it was, congratulations are present, as I was offered the job. After pulling their files on interviews, I have no idea who their former trainer and change manager was, but they were a genius! The questions and programs are a goldmine. I wish more people took this initiative in their career!

Why Being Inconspicuous Could Save Your Life

Forget the glitz and glam. The reasons people will set you back, pass you up for opportunities and target you to be a scapegoat.

Be a little inconspicuous. Never killed anyone.

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Don’t sweat the small stuff. The booming voice, peacock attitude, bodily landscaping (mostly face), and debonair attitude. Skip the class and swag and adopt more Robert Redford and Nathalie Portman, and less Tom Cruise and Jennifer Lopez.

Don’t tell anyone how smart you are.
I use to have a coworker who liked to brag about her name, “My name means Fighter” and my thoughts were, “No kidding, that’s why you’re so difficult.” I hate stupid people who brag about themselves. I duck into a “Scrubs” fantasy world. The problem is stupid people (most of the population) brag about themselves because deep down inside God gave them a magical gift of knowing they are stupid. Rather than accept and work to change that, they just spew verbal crap all day long. So when they find out you are smart or have some tact to your life, “Watch Your Back” as Benny Cassette once said. They will out do Tom Cruise in the meanest version of “Revenge Impossible” subplot: best served cold. People are born with the gifts of insecurity and revenge. In fact it seems to run quite rampid, whether justified or horrific it’s demonstrated from, The Lion King, Total Recall, Dr. No and Rambo (probably the best example).

Let someone have and love the limelight
If there’s any light you should be in, it should be rose coloured. Leave the attraction seeking to the attraction seekers. It causes drama, chaos, upset and a spotlight where others will wish you to fail. It’s easier to fall harder when people are building an alter or pedastal beneath you. Run the other way! Remember it’s all in your head. If a secret agent can keep his cover under wraps, then you can keep your ego in check. By not attracting attention you are eliminating the chance of people liking and noticing you and your talents, hence eliminating competition. If you can separate yourself from the limelight lovers than you’re also setting up a pretty sweet, laid back, easy going atmosphere for yourself where you won’t be scrutinized.

The killer won’t get you.
There’s three victems to every subplot: the main character, the attraction seeker, and the racial minority. Don’t be the main character unless it’s a romance or super spy saving the world, don’t attract attention unless it’s written into the script, and don’t look like a racial minority. Bare with me, do your best.
If you fit into a stereotype it can attract attention thus making you more susceptible to trouble. Hey now, I’ve seen every Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and James Bond film; not to forget every episode of MASH; I know what I’m talking about….. O.o reocurring theme get your attention? It should. Enemies and predator’s will target you based on what stereotype you portray. I’m not saying to make like Beth from News Radio, but originality is good. In different scenerios think of the killer as your boss, roommate, friend, family member, coworker, milkman, etc. It may seem strange, but seeing as the innate need to wipe out the competition is in everyone = this represents everyone.

Stop monologuing on stage.
I used to work with this guy who would monologue during our working together. To figure out if he was addressing me or not, I would ask him, “Monologuing or dialoguing today?” And he would fill me in. You should not be sharing with too many people your strategies to succeeding. This is another attention getter as not many people actively think out their day to day issues and complexities. When someone finds out that you are and how you are going to accomplish said strategies, you become a threat to them. The threat is you will do better hence be better than them. People are jealous of millionaires. However just because one person makes a million dollars does not take away your chance of making a million dollars. I don’t blame Cuba Gooding Jr for blowing my chance in the actors studio do I? No. So why do we blame other people for doing better than us?- it doesn’t take away our chance at doing well. Unfortunatly not everyone feels, thinks or cares to understand this concept. That’s why it’s dangerous to share. Hear me complaining about having good friends in my blog?- it’s because I’m complaining about people I have to pretend with to succeed, not just anyone. Finding non competitive, healthy, positive people is difficult. Be careful who you trust.

Why Dysfunction will get YOU Ahead

Lets face it- we love people who are like us. We like people who share the same philosophical thoughts on Nintendo and how PSP never really made the cut save for some precious Zelda afterthought. We like people who are coffee lovers like us. Who live fast, like us. We like the swag of materialism and txting on the train, like us. We like the True Blood references and TVO shows, like us.

Gee, I can’t help but think something is not right.
“I don’t think those talking pictures are gonna make it in Hollywood, do you?”

People who meet people who are unlike them, turn them down. Tactics include:
-manipulation
-insult (adds to injury, no?)
-public humiliation
-degredation
-sexism/racism/agism/vanity

Why?
-uncomfortable with friendly boundaries
-low self esteem
-closed minded
-poor socializing skills
-low social intelligence

People who are familiar with people who are unlike them, accept them.
-they understand they can accept them without agreeing with them
-healthier levels of self esteem
-higher emotional intelligence
-come to terms with relational dynamics
And quite frankly, some have just been kicked enough to be gracious

When you look at your family, work, love and religious institution, and feel you don’t quite make the cut- ask yourself: what’s the difference between them and me? It could be more than you know…
-chaos levels (they may be more, or you may be more, than the other)
-do you compete like them?
-how much do they share about their lives? (sometimes sharing more or less can be used as a harsh judge in relationships both political and romantic)

And the biggest question: do you match their dysfunction?
Dysfunction includes the things mentioned above. There are a few extra’s to add… These include: scapegoating, gaslighting, triangleing, and more. They are games that are played within families and then transitioned into the workplace and romantic relationships. Often people bond with others who resemble a family member- not in looks- but in persona.

So when you don’t fit in, ask yourself- am I gossiping too much or too little?
Next question: do I want to play their game and bring toxicity into my life JUST to belong? Is it really worth it? Some people may argue that for a pay cheque it is worth it. I can’t help but feel if this is something you are going to play into, then maybe don’t make it last. I think like the Natives of the Congo: everytime you take a photo of yourself you are losing a part of your soul. So if you play games and take on other people’s dysfunction, what more could you be losing?

Believe me, trust me, indulge me: it’s not you, it’s them.

This is grown up, adult, peer pressure.

5 Reasons Your Family Doesn’t Like You

Signs you and your family might be working for different intelligence agencies.

1. You’re Successful- Let’s be honest. Family is the pack of dogs you run with. If you do better than your pack leader, you are a direct threat. Your family may want the best for you- as long as it is not better than them. Be careful how much you brag about your success, or how many holidays or time off you are reporting to your family. Sparks of jealousy may fly. Why can “someone like you” do better than them?
2. You’re Different- Whether you chose to not take the torch of the family business, married outside tradition or acquired a lifestyle in the city- sometimes being different is like red on the wall to family. A common family game is to blame the black sheep. We have all heard the expressions “golden haired child” and “black sheep”, you could be labeled on what you identify with as personal growth and professional development but your family may label rebellion. Your difference may translate to their blame.
3. You Belong to a Different Social Circle- Sometimes we think of social circles as money and business. The fact is your social circle could be religion, hobby and trend oriented, or geographically impacted. Your social circle could be the democratic gun club, or the Jewish Justice Society- the point is it’s different and probably uncomfortable for your family. Often when people can’t relate, they criticize or ostracize you. It’s not a matter of fault on your part, we just need to figure things out for ourselves. Sometimes we grow outside our families and that’s okay, and sometimes best.
4. You Have a Developed Sense of Morality and Ethics- Dear God, it’s me Jane.
   So you found religion, mazletov. You were given the ethics achievement award at work. Nice. However with all the dysfunction that runs in families (biological, adopted and created) developing a higher sense of morals and ethics will put a stop to toxic behavior and your family will be forced to find other means of communicating and bonding. Let’s face it, it was easier in high school to bond while making fun of something else or another social group. But when you understand that is wrong and stop the behavior it forces people to think deeper and actually put effort into getting to know you and developing a relationship. It also makes them aware of their bad behaviour and now they are accountable to correct it. And believe me, most people do not want to do that. Let me put this way, think of Buddha, Gandhi and Mother Teresa as political figures. They weren’t just enlightened for themselves, they were actually acting as great political and social strategists to rid toxicity from everyday living. It’s a rough road.
5. You Have Money- Money does not always come with a successful job, wealthy partner or family. Sometimes you hit the jackpot at work when you realize that working as a bartender or doorman on Saturday nights at the hottest club in town is one weeks wages in one night. Maybe the little old neighbor you read to everyday after school for three years left you in their will, or maybe you won the lottery. Whatever it is, people are jealous for money. There’s nothing that eases cares faster than hard cash- especially if you have come across it without obligation. Keep your money matters to yourself. It’s fine if you want to spoil your family and buy Mum some flowers and a new wardrobe but maybe play down how it’s done. Instead of jumping into a room of gold dubloons like Donald Duck. Maybe just say, “Hey Mum, next week a big deal is going through and I wanted to take you to lunch. Maybe we can go shopping after?” Your Mum will put it together after enough time, but your whole family doesn’t have to know or else it’s you against that pack of dogs.

Pathological People – Watch Out.

We have heard the expression, “That girl is crazy!” or “That guy is psycho!”

I bet hard cash many people would be surprised to learn the stats and info about how many psychopath’s and narcissists live in their neighbourhood, shop at their grocery store, work at their company and are in their family.

…… scroll down for more…..

“Because it is my nature, you HAVE to forgive me for being selfish.”

Your everyday psychopath is not JUST outright crazy. There is indeed method to their madness. Here’s a few cues to pick up on:
1) lack of/no empathy or compassion
Empathy is the ability to experience the pain and misfortune of others even if you have never experienced their situation before. Compassion is sympathy of sorrow with the desire to alleviate suffering. Not everyone is born with the ability to be empathetic, however most people possess empathy OR the ability to be compassionate. When someone is neither, watch out. Chances are the feelings centre of their brain is underdeveloped. People who have a underdeveloped feelings and emotional interpretation centre often do not have the ability to grow emotionally thus making them more susceptible to abusing and taking advantage of others.
2) Reasoning for selfish and destructive behavior
With an attitude like “well, it’s just my nature”, that is unacceptable. It is a dog’s nature to bite people, but we discipline and teach the dog otherwise (domesticating) so why would people be any different? Innapropriate, offensive, and destructive behaviour is recognized world over as dangerous and harmful- it is not acceptable.

Think back to when the internet was new on the market. There was always someone sitting at home on their computer, typing upsetting things and using fighting words. Even then it was not acceptable. Their argument was, “If you don’t want to be criticised, then don’t post online” whereas now those people are labeled “Trolls”. Even in cyber space, there’s no room for selfish and destructive behaviour. Morals and ethics do rule our conduct to some degree.

“Greed, envy, sloth, pride and gluttony: these are not vices anymore. No, these are marketing tools. Lust is our way of life. Envy is just a nudge towards another sale. Even in our relationships we consume each other, each of us looking for what we can get out of the other. Our appetites are often satisfied at the expense of those around us. In a dog-eat-dog world we lose part of our humanity.”
Jon Foreman
3) Check out the goals of a person by doing a physical assessment
-this one can be a bit tricky and usually you are only permitted to learn things such as this once you get specialized training in Social Services, Social Work, Psychology or other….
-what are they wearing? Check out how conformed this person is and how domesticated they are. Are they falling for societie’s peer pressure? There was an article written on people who wore crocs. It proposed a theory that these people were suggestible and easily lead- hung up on trend. Psychopath’s generally want to look important…

“Humility is nothing but truth, and pride is nothing but lying.”
St Vincent de Paul

… so they will follow others around, mimicking their style, life philosophies and personality traits. Many pathological people can’t do anything on their own. Which leads me to my next point:
4) Copy Cat.
So you tell a coworker that your building’s fire alarm went off that week. Now another coworker comes up with the same news, but a little extra drama and detail… Later you mention the new date you’ve got, and soon this same other coworker is reporting a secret affair they are in. Hmmm… this is getting a little wierd, nevermind- it’s probably just coincidence. You then say how busy your work week has been and this coworker goes off on a tangeant about what a work-a-holic they are. Huh. Seems like someone needs some drama and something to compete with….

“Still Don’t Trust Me?”
Why is it so important to these people how fast and easily you trust them? Are they in that big of a hurry to screw you?

Another thing you may notice is where these people live, what restaurants they go to and who they know has seldom come about from their own efforts, but is mimicking someone else’s dream….Think back to the movie, “The Italian Job” (remake). Remember Edward Norton’s character? He had no motivation of his own imagination and ambition. It was all selfish destruction so he could steal the success, happiness and dreams of others. There is a key scene in the movie where Edward Norton’s character asks Stella (Charlize Theron) “Still don’t trust me?” This is a huge red flag. Why MUST you trust someone, and why “still don’t” are they using these shaming words. You are under no obligation to trust anyone. Remember they are shaming you as a tactic to get you to give in. They want something. Don’t let them have it.

Jesus did not trust anyone. I think it’s safe to say based on that you don’t have to either.

“What are we, girlfriends? Let’s go on Oprah and get it over with.”

Why is there such a push to share information? Respect my boundaries, give me space and privacy.

5) The number one reason I hate touching and sharing verbal information is because it is all linked to power, control and manipulation.

Call me paranoid but only 3 groups of people should have physical contact with you over your life span:
1) parents
2) lovers
3) children

Other random groups inlcude:
1) pets
2) people you bump into
3) strangers who have run away from the Mental Health Clinic and sneak up behind you with surprise attack hugs (ick!)
4) Cops and the Air Marshal following arrest or a cavity search….

Why do people have to touch you? Why do they have to invade your personal space?

“The truest characters of ignorance are vanity and pride and arrogance.”

I’m very wary of people who feel the need to not respect physical boundaries and not have basic courtesy to ask before physically aproaching you. What gives them special permission over everyone else? Red flag.

6) The Look…. you know….
That condescending, sizing you up look. Things to look for:
1)smoothing the lapel….. this is an expression for people who begin to groom themselves, fix their hair, smooth their jacket, finger their eye makeup, touch themseleves around the neck, arms and main body area. People touch and preen for two reasons:
A) they have a crush on you and want to look their best OR…..
B) they are preparing to compete and are feeling self conscious: you are a threat
3) pupils opening (their attention has offcially been fetched)
4) eyebrows raised (you have peeked their interest either as a love interest, or as a threat)- you can tell if you are a threat easier if they purse their lips while/when the eyebrows raise slightly
5) posture will change: this can be to aggressive (peacocking) or smooth like gestures (gellyfish) is a salesman and passive/aggressive stand of attention.
6) Stiff Movements= you have them on edge and ready to attack

Well, that’s all I have for now. The sum of some things to watch for. There are many signs for the psychopath, unfortunatly they are skilled tins of toxicity. They have honed skills of lie detection, fear, and reading body language. The psychopath has an advanced trait of being able to listen to two things at the same time (using both parts of the brain at the same time) which is impossible for us normal folk. Don’t try and take them on- don’t try to expose them. Remember what makes them pathological is that they are willing and ready to harm and destroy people and objects that are in their way in order to attain what they want. Sometimes they are even willing to hurt themselves.
If you see one, Run!